I’m not sure exactly what I want to say but I know I want to say something, so please stick with me for a bit. I always feel weird at the end of summer and with uni restarting. The dark nights definitely don’t help, I love being cosy and Christmas is everything, but I can’t help feeling so much sadder this time of year. I do feel slightly more excited about Autumn and Winter than normal, it obviously helps having things to look forward to, which I have been very proactive about. It also helps finally feeling like the vet school finishing line is ever so slightly closer.
The Dramatic Llama blog is also almost two years old?! How did that even happen?! I also wanted to reflect on who I was then and who I am now. I know I go on about being a different person to who I was 6 years ago and I’ll never go back to who I was before I was raped. But I have learnt that actually, I probably won’t be this person forever too. And that’s ok. I’m not quite sure what’s happened in my head. I have been having an absolutely rubbish time recently, if anything I have been having more flashbacks than ever. I haven’t slept for 2 nights. Lets hope it’s a blip.
So what’s actually happened since the Dramatic Llama was born? I passed my second, second year and looking back I am actually pleased I had to retake it. Going into the next year ill and exhausted would have set me up to fail and I would have ended up in the same position further down the line. It gave me the chance to get slightly more control back on my health and diet. My IBS is still all over the place, but my weight and diet is now more consistent. I also think I will be a better vet in the end because of it.
I’ve made more of an effort to get out and explore places. Even if a lot of those places involve cake or afternoon tea. Last week Llama Supporter and I cemented our old biddy status by becoming members of English Heritage so we can explore even more places over the next year and a bit. Just a heads up if you join with a one off direct debit payment you get a 15 month membership instead of 12. You also only need to visit 2.8 places a year to get your money back. Which I think is a pretty good deal.
I finally managed to write down what happened to me, something that would have never have happened without this blog. I still haven’t read my Honest Llama post back and at this moment in time I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready to. Maybe next year I can hype myself up enough to do it. It is still the best therapy I have ever had. I have also seen many counsellors from general ones to those who specialise in rape or sexual assault cases.
I have learnt a lot but the main thing is it doesn’t help me on my road to recovery. Talking about it obviously does help, but being in control of what I talk about and when is still so important. Having to re-live it again and again to someone to discuss details is not helpful. I go over and over it in my head every day, I don’t need to add to it. As I have said before I am done with hiding how I feel to save the feelings of others. I hate that it is part of me more than anyone else ever could, but I am done with hating myself so much. It’s absolutely exhausting for one. At the moment there is nothing I really like about myself at all. Which is a pretty sad thing to say, but I’ve got to learn to like and hopefully maybe one day, love who I am again and I can’t do that by putting other peoples feelings before mine. If I’m having a bad day I might not be as good a friend or have to cancel plans. But it’s time to be selfish for my own mental health. So if I feel like having a pity party sometimes, I’m going to have one. Because quite frankly sometimes I deserve to feel sorry for myself.
Now I’m going to reward myself with a scone and some trashy tv. Thanks to everyone who has read my waffling posts and shown me love and support over the last 2 years. I hit 10,000 views last week! Which may be small fry to most, but I didn’t think anyone would even read it when I started it. Statistics have never been my goal, I just wanted to share what I was going through and give myself a creative outlet to get me through repeating a year. But as I keep saying, this has become so much more. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Much love, always