Current status: Sad Llama

Sometimes things don’t go exactly to plan, I’m quite an anxious individual (apparently llamas are) especially if I feel like things are out of my control. I like plans, lists, arrangements and things to look forward to.

Since I was 4 years old I have declared at every opportunity that I will, one day, become a vet. After much drama, I made it in to vet school via a pre-vet programme, making my vet degree 6 years in all. Then set about swimming in vast quantities of notes, diagrams, drawings and litres of tea, but maintaining a solid butterfly crawl through it all..

All up until this year, where I was swimming along quite pleasantly until summer exams hit and disease sunk me. To the bottom of the deep end. At first I thought it was a bit of a blip, cried for 7 hours straight then soldiered on. I’m good at the soldiering on stuff, I have been faced with much worse and I’ve come out, scarred but ok. I tend to put myself down a lot, but I know I can soldier on in most situations (after a small outburst and maybe a shopping trip).

So resit period got here and one went ok, then the second came along and I knew as soon as I left it wasn’t good.. and it wasn’t, in-fact, somehow it was worse! Go figure that one out. But I had to wait 2 weeks to be told my fate, whilst on a dairy placement, luckily the farmer was ok with emotionally distraught vet students and made me a cup of tea.

So here I am, on year 3 of 6 (or year 2 if you’re counting it as the standard programme) again. MKII. It feels a bit like a dodgy sequel to a film you enjoyed with friends but wouldn’t buy the DVD for. All too familiar. Everyone says you can’t give up, you’ve come so far, it’s only an extra year. Which is probably true. But it doesn’t help anything. Luckily for me I’m not the only one in my situation, it helps more than you first realise, to have others with you. Even if you weren’t close friends with them before. You feel slightly less like a massive failure and that everything has gone for a burton.

But what I can’t get over, is no matter how much positive spin you throw at everything, it’s so very depressing and soul destroying. For someone to say sorry, all that work you spent a year doing, hours into the night. Days, holidays, birthdays, festivities missed with family and friends counts for absolutely nothing. Zero. Do it again please, with a smile.

I’m doing it, sometimes with a smile, for now. Apparently it gets better, people tend to feel like they have to say that in these situations. Until it gets better, I’ve come up with a list (maybe I need to see someone about all the list making) entitled ‘Things to keep sad llamas happy’. I kid you not.

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So hopefully that will keep me going through the already growing notes, lectures and practicals. Things to aim for and help me to realise this is just for a short period (hopefully). I will continue to add to it as some get ticked off. If anyone has any tips or recommendations fire away.

I’m hoping this is just a minor sinking, in the major plan. There’s no Plan B you see. For the girl, or llama, who plans everything, I was (I think I still am) so set on this career and no other, that I have no idea what I would do if I wasn’t doing this. None at all. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe I would have gone to pursue that instead when this happened if there had been a Plan B.

Maybe there’s a reason for all this. I like to believe everything happens for a reason, chance encounters, new opportunities etc. That’s what I’m hoping for anyway. For now, the status shall remain sad llama. But, I have the list, the best family and boyfriend, wonderful friends and beautiful housemates. Hopefully thats enough to keep me a float.

K x

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