Overwhelmed Llama

January exams are over. Hoorah! I’m still alive. But seriously need a diet. I think I have single handedly kept the tea companies and Nature Valley’s gluten free range in business  (OMG – their chocolate and peanut protein bars are the best).

I’m now back home for a few days to recover before next term starts and then its full speed ahead until summer exams! <—- arrrghhhhh. But for now, I’m just enjoying doing absolutely nothing. And it’s snowing, for the first time in three years here. Even more reason to stay cosy.

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Proof of snow!

Classic countryside winter scene ♥

This will be a short but sweet one as I wanted to use this post to thank everyone that read my last instalment. I have been completely overwhelmed. I cried for 3 days after I posted it. I’m not exaggerating in any sense, my poor llama supporter had to hand out even more hugs than usual. I gave up trying to put make up on. Thank you for the comments, messages, texts and just support in general. I can’t even being to explain what it feels like to have that when you feel so alone with something.

I was so scared of how it would be received, mostly because I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings that I hadn’t told in the time that has passed since. And that friends and family had to find out this way. I didn’t want people to feel that I don’t think of them as a good enough friend to be told. Because that is not the case at all. But I don’t think there is ever a good time to bring it up in conversation. I’m also so aware that it takes all my effort to actually even mention it. So when I do, I am a mess and can’t explain how I feel.

This gave me the space and time to really explain, without interruption. So thank you.

My panic attacks are still ever present as are my nightmares, but I have started counselling again, so hopefully it’s something I can learn to deal with. Something that has changed almost instantly, is this incredible feeling of relief. I feel about 2 stone lighter. The easiest way to explain it is, I felt like I was on a boat, full of suitcases of stress. All with a different label and category. My little boat was so full, I was struggling to move and I was sinking rapidly. Something had to be thrown overboard otherwise I was going to drown. After thinking long and hard, I took a gamble and threw the one that had been weighing me down for nearly 5 years.

I was so scared of what people would think of me if they knew. Which may sound stupid but its like you’re given a label and no matter what you will always find someone who doesn’t believe you. You think people will think less of you in some way. So I kept it in that massive suitcase, exhausting me every time I moved.

Chucking it overboard was the best thing I have ever done. I’m so relieved people know. Glad even. At least now when I’m crying in the supermarket or turn down invitations to go out because I can’t bring myself to leave the house, I won’t have to explain myself. For so long I have felt guilty when I have a panic in public because of a flashback, or scared I may run into him (something I think about every time I’m home). I would try to hold it in until I get home so I don’t have to explain myself. But now, none of that matters, I don’t have to hide it until I’m alone to grieve. I may never get over this, but being able to deal with it as it happens is one of the best gifts of all.

So much love to you all,

K x

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