Overwhelmed Llama

January exams are over. Hoorah! I’m still alive. But seriously need a diet. I think I have single handedly kept the tea companies and Nature Valley’s gluten free range in business  (OMG – their chocolate and peanut protein bars are the best).

I’m now back home for a few days to recover before next term starts and then its full speed ahead until summer exams! <—- arrrghhhhh. But for now, I’m just enjoying doing absolutely nothing. And it’s snowing, for the first time in three years here. Even more reason to stay cosy.


Proof of snow!

Classic countryside winter scene ♥

This will be a short but sweet one as I wanted to use this post to thank everyone that read my last instalment. I have been completely overwhelmed. I cried for 3 days after I posted it. I’m not exaggerating in any sense, my poor llama supporter had to hand out even more hugs than usual. I gave up trying to put make up on. Thank you for the comments, messages, texts and just support in general. I can’t even being to explain what it feels like to have that when you feel so alone with something.

I was so scared of how it would be received, mostly because I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings that I hadn’t told in the time that has passed since. And that friends and family had to find out this way. I didn’t want people to feel that I don’t think of them as a good enough friend to be told. Because that is not the case at all. But I don’t think there is ever a good time to bring it up in conversation. I’m also so aware that it takes all my effort to actually even mention it. So when I do, I am a mess and can’t explain how I feel.

This gave me the space and time to really explain, without interruption. So thank you.

My panic attacks are still ever present as are my nightmares, but I have started counselling again, so hopefully it’s something I can learn to deal with. Something that has changed almost instantly, is this incredible feeling of relief. I feel about 2 stone lighter. The easiest way to explain it is, I felt like I was on a boat, full of suitcases of stress. All with a different label and category. My little boat was so full, I was struggling to move and I was sinking rapidly. Something had to be thrown overboard otherwise I was going to drown. After thinking long and hard, I took a gamble and threw the one that had been weighing me down for nearly 5 years.

I was so scared of what people would think of me if they knew. Which may sound stupid but its like you’re given a label and no matter what you will always find someone who doesn’t believe you. You think people will think less of you in some way. So I kept it in that massive suitcase, exhausting me every time I moved.

Chucking it overboard was the best thing I have ever done. I’m so relieved people know. Glad even. At least now when I’m crying in the supermarket or turn down invitations to go out because I can’t bring myself to leave the house, I won’t have to explain myself. For so long I have felt guilty when I have a panic in public because of a flashback, or scared I may run into him (something I think about every time I’m home). I would try to hold it in until I get home so I don’t have to explain myself. But now, none of that matters, I don’t have to hide it until I’m alone to grieve. I may never get over this, but being able to deal with it as it happens is one of the best gifts of all.

So much love to you all,

K x

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