I know I promised cakes last time, they are coming. I have been expanding my waistline in the name of research. But I just wanted to check in first, as I’m having a difficult week. Well more of a rollercoaster week. As most of you will know from Facebook and Instagram I passed my January exams… *insert many celebratory dances here* after an agonising wait. So I am now currently 50% a vet! It all feels a bit surreal. Anyways that was my MAJOR high of the week.
Unfortunately it has been accompanied by many lows. My anxiety has been quite high in anticipation of results, so I have been far more emotional than normal. If you know me at all, I cry at anything so it’s been a bit draining. On Sunday I went with Llama Supporter to a family gathering and a lovely lunch. The venue in question literally bent over backwards and I had three courses, all free from gluten, wheat, dairy, onion and garlic. It was amazing. So I can highly recommend The Wheatsheaf on the Green in Esher! As there were quite a few of us present there were many conversations going at once. I had the misfortune of returning to one at exactly the wrong moment and was greeted with the R word.
As I was already highly strung with anxiety, I burst into tears almost instantaneously. Just to make myself feel even more anxious and awkward. I panicked and ran outside. By this point most of my eye liner and mascara was on my cheeks and chin. Strangers kept stopping outside but felt too awkward to approach me so just stood near me for a while then went inside or where ever they were going. I eventually made it back indoors and to the ladies where Mumma Bueno was, thank goodness, to comfort me. By this point the floodgates opened and I had to wash my face. Crying in front of strangers is not as bad as you’d think, I have cried in front of many, crying in front of your boyfriend’s family is a whole new level of awkwardness.
We eventually made it back downstairs to the starters thankfully so I could make small talk about those instead. And the rest of the meal and gathering passed without a hitch. Except for me spending the remaining time inside my own head wondering if people were questioning my weird behaviours or talking about me. I almost made it back home too but unfortunately my IBS went into absolute over drive and I had to make Llama Supporter take an emergency detour. I may as well have ordered straight from the menu after all as I was in the same position as I would have been. This promptly lead to a panic attack and then another one when we got back to London which was followed by two more before bed.
Thankfully Llama Supporter knows how to deal with me quite well by now and swiftly got the emergency duvet out (I like 2 duvets when I feel anxious/down/upset/etc), supplied me with tea and put Absolutely Fabulous on. And I resided with the fact that the rest of the night was out of my control as far as my emotions were concerned. I had another two panic attacks on Monday which resulted in me staying home from uni as I just couldn’t face dealing with people and/or having another meltdown in public.
Thank goodness Tuesday was the day of good results as I think that may have plunged me right over the edge. I still cried but with relief this time. But I honestly haven’t felt like celebrating or even fully registered them at all at the moment. I can’t seem to shake my anxiety off. This is the lowest I have been for a very long time and I am really struggling, even with friends. I have cried every day this week and had all manner of nightmares. I am hoping I can start to pick myself up a little more this week, as I really want to feel good about what I have achieved with my exams. Especially after the term I have had and my huge list of extenuating circumstances that accompanied them.
So if I seem a bit off this week, or you felt like I haven’t been the same friend as usual, I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s so tiring being inside my own head. This may seem like a huge reaction to one conversation, but it is like something explodes in my head and everything becomes white noise. After 5 and a half years I really hoped I’d be further along than this but right now, I’m not even in a place to deal with hearing the word. Hopefully I’ll be back to my moody, dramatic self soon to annoy you all again, and there will definitely be cake next time.