As usual sorry for the lack of posts, unless you find them annoying, then hi! Exams finished a month ago and if you follow me on social media, you’ll know I somehow managed to pass?! I cried, in front of the vets, as I was on placement at the time. But yaaassssssss, two years (hopefully) left to go!
Since exams, I have been on vet school placements. Most of this summer will consist of placements, I have equine, exotic and small animals to look forward to before term restarts again. Thankfully the people I have met so far have been absolutely amazing and have taught me so many new things, as well as helping me to be more confident in my abilities. I have throughly enjoyed every moment so far.
I am currently writing a list of other nice things to do this summer on weekends. So far it consists of a large number of afternoon tea locations, so I should probably join a gym as well. If anyone has any recommendations or has recently had a good day out, send them my way. I am also currently searching for something to do for my birthday, as it’s now officially my birthday month, because one day just isn’t enough.
As well as sending out a little life update on my boring existence, I wanted to take this opportunity to talk about something else. As most of you know, I find the beginning of July incredibly difficult. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, please give my post called Honest Llama a read. So this is just a little message to say I am really sorry if I am not fulfilling my usual friendship duties at the moment. I still love you all, unless we’ve fallen out then obviously not, and I am so grateful for your love and friendships. Unfortunately there is nothing anyone else can do. And as yet I haven’t found a way to get through it effectively. I really do hope that one day I can genuinely get on and enjoy July without a second thought. I have tried doing nothing on that day, gone away for the weekend, booked fun things to do, but each time I have a panic attack at some point and usually spend the day in tears. I am fully aware of how difficult I am to be around sometimes. One of the main reason I don’t talk about it, apart from the fact I still can’t without breaking down, is if I told someone every time I thought about it, I would never talk about anything else. And no one wants to be around someone like that. Six years later, I still think about it, in some form or another, about 6 times a day on a good day. About 15 times today so far. Living inside my own head is hard enough, I would never want to inflict that on someone else, especially loved ones. I know they say a problem shared is a problem halved and all that, but not with this. I have to stop and tell myself off sometimes. I am trying very hard. The current advice I am working on is would I say that to a friend? And if not, then why am I saying it to myself?!
I know I am my own worst enemy sometimes and no one is meaner to me than me. I am still getting used to my new personality and who I am… in a way I guess I am grieving for who I was and my life as it was. Not that it was perfect in any shape or form. But very few people expect their personality and mindset to change so much during their lifetime. Especially when it isn’t their choice. It may be said that what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, but Christ. In some ways I have never felt weaker.
Anyways, I won’t waffle on because I could write about it all night and I’m trying not to beat myself up. So, normal communications and socially acceptable behaviour should resume in a few weeks.
Much love as always