Hello,
I have returned after a slightly longer break than I had planned. I have so many trips and adventures to post about, I’m hopefully relocating my mojo and will be posting regularly again. I sort of fell out of love with writing a little bit but at the same time, wasn’t quite sure how to articulate how I felt. So this is sort of where I’m at.
I feel like I have been on the biggest emotional rollercoaster of my life. Some days I feel so powerful and strong and then others I feel like a blob of jelly. Which was made so much worse recently. I am currently having even more tests. This time following a series of abnormal smear tests and other horrible symptoms. I have struggled with any form of examination since I was raped, but feel proud of how far I have come, even if it does take me a day to psych myself up beforehand. Unfortunately that was all completely dissolved when I had a gynaecology appointment three weeks ago. I explained to her, through tears, what had happened to me and why it was such a big deal to me. After discussing my symptoms and everything else, she examined me but had to go and get something from another room. When she came back, she didn’t even explain what she was going to do, she just forced the speculum in so hard it took my breath away and then took it out and shoved her hand in. Without saying anything. It triggered me so much I couldn’t even speak. It took me 2 weeks to get over it. And undid everything I have worked so hard on. I had to have further tests last week and I was so upset I couldn’t even speak to the nurse. Something that has never happened to me before. No matter how bad I have been, I have been able to tell them why I was in such a state.
Sadly when I get triggered everything else goes to pot and my anxiety had a rocket launch that NASA would have been proud of. Shout out to Llama Supporter for surviving the experience with me. He is the voice of reason against some of the most ridiculous things I say and think I feel. My intrusive thoughts have been relentless and so harrowing. They hit a peak on Saturday night. As you all know, I am very open with my mental health but I never tell anyone what my intrusive thoughts are. They have been so bad recently that they have felt suffocating. Part of me wants to write them in a note pad to see if that takes some of the pressure off of trying to suppress them 24/7 but then that gives them even more of my time?! I really wish I could put them in a little box and then set fire to it.
I’ve nearly finish Vet School. SOS. I can’t even process it. The last 7 years have been the worst and the best all at once. The last 12 months I have learnt more than I could have ever imagined. And some days I realise I do know things. Who would have thought it! Part of me already feels that I have finished. I am home on placement at the moment, which I love and I have started applying for jobs *cue hyperventilating. Being home for a long time helps to make me feel like a different person. Home is where my heart is, and my pets, which is the same thing. Coming home to my babes every day makes everything better. I had a bit of a meltdown recently when I had the realisation that Llama Supporter and I will remain long distance (for ages) and won’t even really notice a difference in travel time. When he moved to West London it doubled the travel time from my home in Essex. So we can only see each other on weekends which will become even harder when we both start working. So I have an absolute burning hatred for West London. The whole situation has been upsetting me so much lately. I cried about it twice last week. Another thing my anxiety has decided to grasp on to.
I’m a runner. And a knitter. Both help with my anxiety and mental health. As well as helping me to drop a jean size (despite putting on 6kg?!) and have increased my bobble hat selection. I’m planning a jumper next. Expect much knitwear on the horizon. I feel incredibly proud of myself with regards to running. This time last year I was told by my Neurologist that I may never get the full use of my legs back. My overall strength is still quite bad. But I can run and run and run and run. Six months ago I had intense pain walking upstairs. The Bath Half is on Sunday (Corona Virus permitting) and I am equally terrified and excited. I am also giddy with my knitting abilities. My Nan told me I was the worst knitter ever when I first tried about 10 years ago. She is the patron saint of knitting. Even she can’t believe the improvement.
After a lot of talking on Saturday night with Llama Supporter whilst I was simultaneously suffering from horrendous diarrhoea and intrusive thoughts to give anyone nightmares, we settled a lot of my insecurities and anxieties. I decided to try a new technique and so far it is working a lot better and I had the best Sunday I have had for seven years. Here’s hoping my little rollercoaster carriage gets stuck on the top of the ride for a bit longer so I can carry on making baby steps in the right direction and remember how strong I am.
Love you all
K x
The Dramatic Llama 