Please note this post contains subjects that some people may find distressing.
Well hello, it’s been a while hasn’t it?! Do people even blog anymore?! To be honest, I’m not fussed if they don’t. The Dramatic Llama is having a revival even if I’m the only one reading it. I can’t possibly update you in one post. So here is a brief rundown, I’m a Vet, a marathon finisher, a survivor, I’m still a lunatic and desperately trying to be a strong independent woman.
I’ve been up and down. Obviously there have been some mega highs, but sadly, some equally dramatic lows. I had 6 good days in a row last week. Which was bloody refreshing. I also had a nightmare and panic attack hiatus. It’s actually day 9 since I last had a panic attack. I’ve had one nightmare since the 1st February. For some, currently unidentified reason, I’ve spent the last 24 hours crying. I honestly don’t know why. Is it hormones? Is it because Mercury is no longer in retrograde? Is it because Women keep getting assaulted and murdered, predominantly by Men, and I can’t escape it? Am I tired? Is it because I’ve had my emotions completely destroyed over the last year? The only thing I know it’s not, is being hangry.
I’ve been toying with the idea of restarting blogging for a few months. This afternoon I re read my Honest Llama post. It was this post that changed a lot of things in my life. I didn’t realise I initially wrote that in January 2017?! I’ve only read it once since that time, as it takes me to a very difficult place emotionally and mentally. But it was a good reminder today. A reminder of how far I’ve come. What I’ve managed to achieve whilst recovering. How long I’ve been a survivor and how independent I’ve become. Even if today I don’t feel like it.
I spent a large portion of this morning crying because I wanted to go for a run but I was too scared to go by myself. When I say scared, I mean the thought was making me physically shake. I wanted to get out in the sunshine and get some post running endorphins. Because sunshine is amazing and makes me feel better about life in general. But the thought of what ifs and maybes was too much. Then I got mad and sad. Mad at how pathetic I felt. Mad that this was never an issue. The thought of going somewhere by myself used to be exciting. I’ve been so many places alone. I used to take myself off to events all the time. I’ve travelled alone. I’ve never been afraid of being who I was, or being seen for who I was. But now, I feel so vulnerable. I know it doesn’t help that I was assaulted by someone I knew. It makes things so much harder. It’s easy to be suspicious of strangers. But when you’re betrayed by someone you know, it messes things up so much more. In my brain, no one is trustworthy. And when I say no one, I genuinely mean that. I’m on alert every minute of the day. It is so frigging tiring. I’m on alert that I might get triggered by something someone says, something that reminds me of being assaulted, something that makes me feel vulnerable, or someone’s actions making me question their motives. Then I got even sadder, mourning who I used to be and that everything I was, was taken from me by someone else. Without my say so.
So I ruminated on it for a bit more. Looked at my face in the mirror. Right in the eye. Put my ridiculous shorts on and made myself go. It was an ugly run, but I pushed myself. Physically and emotionally. I went half a mile further than I planned. I didn’t have a panic attack. But I did have a cry when I got home. And another one now. I know good days will be here again. One day, I hope. But I’m tired. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of myself. I have a 100% survival rate. But I would like to start thriving again now. Just surviving it isn’t the most fun. Where is my thirty, flirty and thriving phase? You have to be a certain age to get that quote.
There is no real purpose to this post, other than the usual reason, to remind people to be kind. Because you never know what someone else is trying to deal with. I don’t know how long this current wobble is going to last for. But I hope it does one sharpish. Also if you’re a bloke, and your mates think it’s funny to joke about rape, heckle women or similar pathetic things. Call them out on it. Not saying anything makes you just as bad. Men calling other Men out on their actions gives us a genuine chance of improving Women’s experiences and lives. Because some of us dying, being injured physically and emotionally or being subjected to life changing events just by trying to live our everyday lives.
Here’s an edited post run photo for you to enjoy.
Much love, K x
The Dramatic Llama 